it is taking a bit of effort for me to think positively.
there is choice in sight, and i do not want to hover over negative space.
i want my giddy hopeful jubilant me to be out all the time.
Make a note
This may not be forever
There are so many years left
What to do to fill the time?
How many years will this sustain me, or I it?
Creations as I drift to sleep
Dreams while still awake
My mind races lying next to you
Sadness creeping in- stupid reality check
Make a note
this is forever
It is my profession to believe in always
Moment to moment, let us perform
… let us die trying.
Resurrecting passion
(I can do that!)
I am willing
Open for the kill
my nephew gabriel is a little person. a two and a half year old personality that has lit up my life this week.
around 3 am this morning he woke us up crying and whimpering. it took 3 sleepy adults to figure out what was wrong. it turned out he only needed some water. after a few baby gulps, he was back out like a light.
lying next to him, as i was unable to fall back asleep, i proceeded to watch a movie on my phone. for that entire hour and a half, gabriel would occasionally toss one of his limbs onto my body on one of his sleepy exhales. each time i would softly caress and squeeze his arm or leg, and he would gently toss again.
i held his foot in my hand. his hand in my hand.
after the movie was over, and it was nearly six am, i decided to quietly lay next to him and soak up his energy. one last night for me to revel in his peaceful innocence. i put my hand on his torso to feel him breath, feel his heartbeat; i found that if i softly kissed his chin, he would not rouse.
as dim blue illumination began to make its way through the blinds, i could see his face, and i watched him sleep just a few minutes before i decided to get out of bed.
a few more kisses. just one more.
i miss him already.
Stupid poem forming in my head
As I sit in this diner, I contemplate independence. There is actually no poem, only thoughts of wanting to write one.
Haiku.
Random words are tossed as I look up a few things (like how many syllables are contained in each line of a haiku).
City wandering
Sidewalk to sidewalk, leaping
Nature encountered
I just went up to my roof to work on ideas for EXITED, as I am performing it this Sunday. Something unleashed, taking into consideration Mere’s advice/ after watching the June performance a few times.
I am giving it what it needs, and that’s a dose of reality.
I texted Santi, “Breakthrough fucking breakthrough out here on the roof. A wild animal fucked up on adrenaline rabid and raping has just been unleashed. It must have been the moonlight.”
What came through was raw humanity, anger and resentment at the world at %%%% at %%%% and at myself for not living the dream I thought I would be living by now. Anger at having to make new dreams but simultaneously grateful that I am in charge of my own fulfilling reality.
I want to hold onto this passion, this love of unleashing rabid sex confident power. Confident nothing can take me down. Try just fucking try. Beast within.
You fucking messed with the wrong person.
Why aren’t you there for us dad? daddy? daddy-oh?
I am so strong without you.
****, I wish you could see me.
Gotta ice my arm.
Finally I seemed to have calmed the fuck down.
Scheduling my day, my week, my month by the hour has been a crucial tool in feeling under control. Good friends, and honest connections with those I surround myself with has been key. I feel stronger.
Underneath this new strength is an understanding of sadness and knowing that I have a say in how I feel. I can make smart, healthy decisions. I can let go when I need to. I do not need to do anything I do not want to do.
Right now, I am taking steps to be a better person. And I am able to take those steps because I am realizing all that I am worth, all that I have to offer.
(i find that i am more creative and inclined to write when i am good and single and alone and therefore contemplative and less involved in/ dedicated to someone else’ mental state.)
tonight when i got home i realized that despite the end to tonight’s random and swift thunderstorm, there were still a good amount of lightening flashes illuminating the sky. so, i swaggered up to my rooftop (dropping my bag and ipod on the way) where i could watch the show.
immediately i thought of my friend adam, and how he would have appreciated these moments with me. fresh rain washed air/ perfectly warm cool night/ and lightening flashes conducting themselves over the manhattan skyline- all for me to view on my own. these moments just for me. and only me. (only me damnit!)
what im trying to say is, it was special.
unfortunately, i had arrived as the surges of electricity were calming down, and i only got a good five or six fleeting moments of heaven’s veins to earth.
i danced under the clouds for a bit, before the terrifying thought of being struck by lightening sneaked its way into my brain. then i thought,
“how silly of me to think of myself as special enough to be struck with the most unbelievable (if not life ending) life altering experience!”
and then i continued to dance with splashes of water from small roof puddles grazing my feet, with natures lasers playing just for me and with me.
i was mickey mouse, and there were certainly broomsticks.
i wanna be really naughty right now and eat some chocolate.
fuck it. im gonna go for it.
kind of asleep
quite peaceful, awake
simply resting.
thinking, “should i respond to that email?”
my thoughts surround those currently in my life, reiterating events, conversations, potential situations in the next few days.
my body is completely relaxed and my arm is covering my face as i lay here in the dark. the glow of this laptop illuminates my upper torso.
something poetic starts to form, words to describe this state of myself on this night; this time they emerge out of a state of contemplation, of reflection. no tv show to pull me out of my thoughts and into my subconscious tonight.
i’ve written, i have responded. my breaths are still deep.
